There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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