the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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