all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
