i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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