this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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