Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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