So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize