we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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