I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
