You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Don't make out with my wife yet
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
