im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize