So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
