Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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