I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
