Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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