note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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