If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
