my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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