I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
