wanna go halves on a baby?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
