stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
