"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
