Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
