So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize