Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
