my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
