I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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