john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
