It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
