If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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