Small penises have feelings too.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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