Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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