"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
