So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
