i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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