I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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