I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
