I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just had sex bonerless
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
