i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
