I wish my penis had an off switch
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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