apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
