we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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