My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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