i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
