she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
