do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
