i think i have two assholes
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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