Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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