I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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