I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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