Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
