dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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