just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
