Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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