did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Randomize
