The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I did not marry a roomba.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
