I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
