The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Dear god my vagina.
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