im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
they're like a gay fantastic four
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
