Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
