I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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