My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize